I Understand

I understand now.

Why people don’t share that they are struggling.

Hurting. In pain.

Why they put on a mask every morning.

Smile through the chaos inside them.

Take it off each night.

I did this. Wore a mask.

Smiled. Cried myself to sleep.

If sleep would ever come.

For longer than I can remember.

I forget what okay feels like - joy, happy, peace.

I can not tell you the last time it was true.

I learned how to manage, pack it away - the struggle, conflict.

Cognitive dissonance.

It became normal.

Until I couldn’t any longer.

My mind betrayed me.

My body screamed at me.

Shut me down.

Told me to stop pretending.

Took my breath away.

I understand now.

Why.

Talk about it they say.

You will feel better they say.

Sharing your illness only creates more.

Emptiness, loneliness. pain.

When they look at you with pity.

Participate in awkward silence.

Avoid eye contact.

Treat you differently.

Avoid the conversation after you start it.

Pull away, eschew you.

All those people that helped you to get here, to “Severe”

Grieving what you believed you had access to.

Love, friendship, support, concern.

But then again - they’ve been watching you drown.

They all hang quietly in the back row, heads down.

Eyes averted.

I regret sharing anything at all.

Now that I can’t put my mask back on

I don’t know where I belong.