Too Much

I don’t know why I think so much. One day I’m fine, I don’t over think anything. Things are easy, free and flow. The next day I can’t stop thinking. It makes me feel like any progress I’ve made is lost. That I am failing. It’s all too much, but every day for the past 14 days I have done nothing.

How is nothing too much? Maybe resting and healing is something. But it feels like nothing, feels useless. What is resting and healing anyway? Sitting with your pain? Feeling your pain? Your confusion? Your anger, sadness. I don’t know. It’s stressful to try and explain what’s in your head when you don’t even

understand it yourself.

None of my thoughts are helpful or productive so why do I keep doing this? Going through the same cycle over and over. It’s exhausting to me. I can’t imagine how other people are with it. I think I’m tolerated by the people that can’t leave. But the ones that have a choice, they put me on a shelf. A time out, until they can tolerate me again.

I don’t know how to get better. It’s all everyone talks about. Rest. Get better. But I have no idea how to. The loneliest moment was when I was watching my whole life fall apart, and all I could do was stare blankly.

The bravest thing I may have done lately is carrying on when I really wanted to die.

If a plant is wilting, someone waters it; puts it in the sun. Cares for it.

I am so thirsty. —S

xx